The Remake of the remake of the story of Tarzan

WARNING:

**The following article is almost entirely composed of spoilers and frequent reference to, and more than incidental inclusion of, Alex Skarsgård’s semi-nude body. If you are a man and you are desperately trying to stay in the closet, read no further.** 

2016 has heralded the latest wave of Disney remakes and adaptations including, among other things, a three-story Christopher-Walken-orangutan, skatting his way through my favourite childhood sing-along.

No

So with the announcement of The Legend of Tarzan, I was both excited and terrified at what kind of live-action remake we were in for.

On Tuesday I went to watch it in cinema, and my reaction was two-fold:

  1. This is terrible.
  2. But Alex Skarsgård. Even the umlaut in his name is going, ‘oh’.

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How to protest like a white South African

Pandemonium broke out today at UCT, as white students came together to give voice to an issue they feel is deeply entrenched in the university structure, not only at UCT but nationally: food preparation at the take-away bar in the Centilivres Building takes too long.

white lady

“We are tired of waiting for our food. My quinoa salad took twenty-six minutes to reach me and it was under-cooked”, said Mel, a first-year Commerce student.

As of yet, the management of the fast-food joint in question has refused to comment or engage in dialogue with students.

“I get that these things take time to fix, I really do”, commented one of the leading white protestors. “I’ve had to politely queue for over two weeks now, and like, the wait is never shorter than fifteen minutes. Enough is enough. Either the institution must meet our demands or we will escalate our action against them. ” Continue reading

A bro’s guide to feminism

Isn’t life fucking great brother?

For starters, you were born an oke, and there isn’t a better feeling in this life than cruising through the club with your bicep-veins popping and the betties bumping and grinding their way towards winning your favour!

johnny bravo

I dunno about you ma china, but I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in the power dynamic with the ladies.

It was all smooth sailing straight outta high school: your rigorous regimen of protein shakes, hitting the gym with your bros, then hunting for the hottest chick on the d-floor later that night was fool-proof.

The problem now is your regular female ain’t a fool no more. She’s gone to university and she’s trying out this new thing they’re calling ‘equality’. And it doesn’t sit too well with you. Continue reading

5 times I wished I could time travel (Or times I should have listened to my mother)

If your life is like mine then you have daily occasion to whisper to yourself the immortal words of Hagrid, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

hagrid-shouldnt-have-said-that

As a sci-fi fanatic, instead of fixing the things that go wrong, my response to life’s lemons is usually a strong desire to go back and undo the moment forever.

Admittedly, if I somehow had this ability I would probably wipe clean most of my days, definitely most of high school, and then you wouldn’t be sitting there laughing at the hilarity I call my life.

So this is a list of those Oh-my-god-I-need-this-to-not-have-happened events that I hope someone else suffers too.

Or if you’re my mother (as you probably are because who else reads blogs anyway) then this is a list of I-told-you-so moments.

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